quotes and resolutions

“As you begin changing your thinking, start immediately to change your behaviour. Begin to act the part of the person you would like to become. Take action on your behaviour. Too many people want to feel, then take action. This never works.”

John Maxwell “Life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.” “If we're growing, we're always going to be out of our comfort zone.” "There are all different kinds of voices calling you to all different kinds of work . . . (and) the place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."

the beginning of the end

This is the place that I am going to document the last gasps of my marriage. It has always been bad. From the problems in pre-cana(why should I tell you you look nice or are smart-you are with me, of course you are), criticizing my breasts on our honeymoon, daily petty critisizms when the children were small-the house was never clean enough-he'd come home and rant if there were dishes in the sink or dinner was late, he felt children never disciplined enough(against my parenting  style, btw-he was beaten with a belt regularly-he knows nothing of parenting)), that the only thing that counted was him earning money, not me raising our children.

A million nasty comments,  both large and small EVERY SINGLE DAY, just like his mother. "I can't help it if I am not attracted to you because you're fat" and on and on. Always putting himself first-free time of racquetball, even if the kids were sick, or had school events, then adding karate to the mix, and doing whatever he wanted. No wonder the  kids are alienated from him.

So the big demise started when I turned 54. On my birthday, in the evening, I was on the computer, and he on the couch. He was berating me and abusing me over money so much, that Nick, my 20 year old hero leapt up and confronted him defending me. "Don't you see what you are doing to her? Stop it right now-and they went at it toe to toe. I really saw, really realized that day, that when your child has to come to your defense that things are really going way to far. One night was a horrible fight in the car on the way to dinner in Miller place, where I told him all the hurts and cruelty, which he denied. On the day we got Fiona, he humiliated me in front of Heidi, my close friend, over dinner not being ready,, and that I rescued a kitten. He was so abusive verbally, that  Heidi will not longer come over to my house. 

The day before yesterday, (the anniversary of my father's death) he threatened, really threatened me, because when he called me from work, he was mean, so I hung up. He called back, and was more abusive, saying "Merry Christmas, in place of fuck you, as he was at work. I told him to stop acting like a dick. When he came home , he told me that if I ever said that to him again, he would make me very very sorry.  I said" are you threatening me?" and he said yes I am. I told him that he was resorting to threats because I now stand up to him and am no longer a doormat.

Tonight, he came in while I was watching tv, and went on a rant about financed and Nick, and how he shouldn't pay for things now that Nick is 21. I pointed out that Nick is still dyslexic and still a full time student, and  that we should pay while he is an undergrad. He said "we? not we-you don't work, or earn any money, it is not we it is me". He started in on me about when I was going to work, and I pointed out that we are about to go on vacation, and couldn't begin now, and he began ranting about how his finances are in a shambles, and conveniently, mine were not. I said we are a family unit, and I do plenty of work. I pointed out that when Nick graduated, we should still help him if he goes to grad school, and he started ranting about not we, just me", so I stormed out

I guess the thing is, I was trying to duck and cover long enough for both kids to graduate from college. To make the meals, do the wash, clean the house, never spend any money(in that respect I am at the rock bottom of the totem pole-holes in all my clothes, no money ever in my pocket). Clearly, that strategy isn't working. I wanted to give the kids the gift of  a settled home with married parents, so they could focus on school, but I can see it won't last that long.

I may have to walk away with nothing. The house is mortgaged to the hilt, we have huge debt, and college debt now. Callously, unless his mother dies and we get out of debt, then I don't know if there will  be any money to be gotten out of this. And I don't want this house, but I would like to have it still be in the family because it is home to my kids. Could he buy me out? I don't know.

I don't know if I am capable of providing for myself, and supporting myself. I didn't do a great job of it before. I have no job skills except people skills.  fear old age and sickness with no resources. I want to run to VT, but could I support myself? I am not sure. 

So this is my plan. Get in shape and eat right. Sleep enough. Upon return from Maine, seriously job hunt and get started developing a resume. Get all the credits I can from old colleges, and get a degree from University without walls. Figure out the most safe and lucrative field to work, and get going before I am too old. Then free myself from this prison of 22 years. Hopefully, I have raised my kids to be strong enough to survive these strong winds. And me too. I ask blessings from Mom and Dad, Grandmother and Aunt Esther, Ma and Pa and all those that went before me.